Self-judgement only feeds and perpetuates the depression or imbalanced state.   Judging ourselves deepens the fear and feeds the negativity.  We feel weak, lost and defeated when we criticise ourselves and accept others criticism about feeling depressed.  Then we become more depressed… and so we spiral down into hell and remain in bondage to depression for years, or even a lifetime.

For others, they fear looking into the mirror of our depression.  They choose to deny and avoid what this negative state in us reflects back to them about themselves.  They tell us to pull ourselves together, snap out of it, buy a new dress, go on holiday, find a new partner, a new job, buy a new house, decorate the old house, etc...  Their lack of understanding and compassion fuels the power of depression. We begin to feel isolated and we become more depressed.  Welcome to Alchemical Level 1 and the concepts of bondage and powerlessness. 

What Alchemical Level 1 is teaching us is that depression is about a breaking down of the old that no longer works.  Breaking through occurs when we are able to recognise that the loss of what was known or believed, no longer serves us or works.  We can then let go of the old and transform to embrace the new.  This is in fact opportunity disguised as loss.   If we will only listen to and learn from the message of depression, we can discover new beliefs and new attitudes about life that do work, serving our best selves and creating our best destinies.    We must begin by understanding that usually something - anything we wish to avoid, normally tends to have great meaning or power and is serving our growth and the greatest good.  

The meaning of depression we discover is that it’s a wake up call telling us that somewhere we have been living our lives out of harmony with spirit.  The resultant lack of meaning in our lives causes fear, pain and anger. When we deny these negative feelings, we feel depressed.  We are depressed also ultimately because we have forgotten our best selves and our best destinies.  In Alchemical Level 1, we are ignorant or in denial of best self and best destiny, but what we have learned is that no amount of distraction – do/have/consume or avoidance works anymore or can help us.

Self-criticism about being depressed is just such an avoidance. It forces our focus away from the true purpose of why we are being held hostage by some dark shadow aspect of ourselves.  How can I explain this?   Well, in nature as winter approaches, certain creatures go into hibernation.  Depression is one way that our best selves call us to go within to recognize ourselves more completely.  If we listen to this call to retreat and do the work, this is how we are awakened to the bigger picture and higher meaning of life, beyond the do/have/consume.  If we are already beginning to wake up and are somewhat self-aware and accepting of all aspects of ourselves – the good, the bad and the ugly, then this cyclic immersion into unexplored regions of darker and best self will be an adventure – undertaken bravely even though it could be unpleasant.  What inspires us to continue is the knowing that we will be transformed and always into something better.  Unfortunately in Alchemical Level 1, we are usually trapped in unconscious self-deprecating patterns of lack of self love and esteem, so we will perceive such a descent into darkness as proof positive of our unworthiness and/or terrible confirmation of all those dark shadow aspects of ourselves that we fear.  

My own personal experience of breaking down to break through comes from almost thirty  years of feeling a lack of any real purpose or true meaning in my life.   I felt depressed most of the time and this precipitated suicidal episodes.   I had tried all the do/have/consume tactics to distract myself from my depressing feelings to try to avoid how I felt but nothing worked.  I then explored many different approaches to heal the depression, including taking anti-depressants – of the legal and illegal variety and trying out various holistic therapies. Nothing worked until I was ready to listen to the message of my depression.   My life was unmanageable and I was powerless to change anything.   I feared change.  I believed I was a victim of and powerless over depression until one day something changed for me.  Instead of denying or fighting the depression, I allowed myself to embrace the darkness and entered into it.   Inside the darkness, I learned I was not a victim. I discovered that depression, like the recurring dreams of the black hole, had been calling to me for years and that it held a powerful message – a message of transformation.  My depression contained many valuable messages for me and I had ignored them all because of fear. I feared that if I went deeper into the black hole of my depression, I'd never be able to climb out.  I feared what I might find inside this black hole and I feared what other people would think, that I was insane or weak, just like my Father... I feared most of all, unconsciously, that I would find my best self, the hero within and that I would have to change my life.  The matrix had taught me very carefully to resist change, pursue pleasure and avoid pain. 

All of those fears at Alchemical Level 1, fuelled and fed my unbalanced ego structure, which refused to permit me to expand and evolve my perceptions of reality.  As I became willing to explore what depression had been trying to tell me all along, I came to know that I actually had more courage than I had believed.   This was when I began to discover best self and reconnect to my best destiny, ironically when I realized that my true terror was the fear of truly being my best self – all the changes and sacrifices this would mean and how much effort it would take to realign to my best destiny.  I feared being the only person in the room, the marriage, the family, the community and at work who was aware of the bigger picture and was willing and powerful enough to do something about it.  Yet when I gave in, broke down and allowed myself to break through, I began to know that anything was possible.

I journalled about my depression and this helped me to discover a very strong and healthy ego structure within that was willing to listen to and serve higher noble spiritual directions.   My best self had confidence, could dream big (for the greatest good) and possessed all the skills and talents I needed to make my dreams come true. This new best self was an entirely non-judgmental and compassionate part of me, that was able to laugh at my mistakes and learn from them.   I came to see all my mistakes as experiences of expanding toward wholeness. All of this wonderful stuff had been hiding for so long in that black hole of depression!   Today, I believe that the deeper the insecurity or the lower the self-regard, the greater our gifts denied, the greater our depression will be, the greater ultimately our best selves will be.

Self-destructive thoughts and self-limiting beliefs hold us back until the right time comes to break down, break through, rediscover our best selves and shine. That was definitely the case for me and has proved true for many of my students.  The trials and tribulations of breakdown and depression, loss, defeat and disillusionment are in actual fact the necessary ingredients of the rich compost of fulfillment. Thich Nhat Hanh teaches that the rose needs the unpleasantness of the manure in order to become itself - and in turn, it must eventually become the compost to guarantee life's balance.  There are spiritual teachers, angel workshop teachers that I know personally, who promote rejection of the "compost".   These ‘teachers’ are dangerous because they are actually teaching imbalance. It is only the person who can accept themselves wholly – the good, the bad and the ugly, who can truly be fulfilled and find and live their best destiny.  Ultimately, therefore, loss of sanity, temporary insanity in the despair and depression of Alchemical Level 1, is only opportunity disguised as loss. 

Of all the ancient traditions, one stands out above all others that I have come to know as a tremendously powerful way to transform  the self and break through the bondage of depression, self-doubt and despair.  This is the ancient mystical way of alchemy.

We are taught that alchemy began in ancient Sumeria, Chaldea and Egypt as a way of life, although perhaps most of us picture alchemists living in medieval times in Europe It is said that alchemists could turn lead into gold. This has been proven to be true by modern day scientists who can actually create precious metals from base metals.   However, the process, rather than the product - (the spiritual journey rather than the destination), is known to be the most important part of true alchemy. Although there were alchemists, who were obsessed with the financial gain of such an endeavour, other alchemists were interested in the spiritual rewards that personally experiencing such a process could produce.  Through observing the stages of change that the chemical substances went through, the alchemists themselves were transformed… … the lead of personality transformed into spiritual gold.   This forms the basis of the alchemical maps to god material in this book, combined of course with my life studies and personal transformative experiences.

Thanks to movies like ‘What the Bleep’, today we know that modern quantum physicists have reported much the same experience as they have noted inner changes as they observed the activity of subatomic life forms. If we can imagine watching something transforming before our very eyes as our intuitive and intellectual minds work to attach  meaning to the process, we can also imagine how we might be similarly transformed.  This is how living in spiritual community works, where each inspires the other to transform just by being the transformation.

At Alchemical Level 1, when we apply this concept to the experience of depression, we can infer that by consciously watching as a compassionate witness (meaning without judgment and self-criticism) what the depression is, what it does, and how it makes us feel, we are actually opening a new door to perception, wherein we are observing a process of change of attitude. The depression is no longer our adversary, but it becomes our best friend and guide, alerting us to our darkest aspects of self within hidden depths - until we are ready to transform and accept ourselves holistically – dark and light.  Depression calls to us to hibernate and detach from our normal way of living – do/have/consume, so that growth and transformation can occur.  If we resist this call to awaken we feel worse.  Ultimately, therefore, our learned, conditioned, negative attitudes need to be dismantled to conquer any resistance to the call of the universe to accept our new best self and destiny.

The seven levels of awakening to best self and spiritual integrity,  the alchemical principles as applied to conquering depression are:

1. We need to get to know our ego.  This is called "Calcination" in alchemy: As compassionate witnesses, we need to find out how ego works,  how it protects us or limits us, and how it has created our depression. This step develops a healthy relationship with the ego so it works for us instead of against us. The process involves a "burning to ashes" of the destructive actions of the ego that are no longer necessary. It is generally a truly challenging experience to undergo because the ego fights back to protect the status quo, even if the status quo doesn’t necessarily work.  However, dismantling of the ego is essential to the success of the higher stages – this is the inner ground which must be prepared by the ego's deflation before the higher levels of being may be experienced.

2. We need to learn to accept our emotions.  This is called "Dissolution" in alchemy: Here we learn to transform our inner voice of criticism into spiritual discernment by lovingly embracing all of our feelings, including those awful feelings  that accompany depression. The ability to fully accept emotions comes from a willingness to let them flow so they can be observed and fine-tuned. This involves an honest inventory of how we use or misuse our emotions. For example, do we manipulate others with our tears or anger? Do we deaden our feelings in order to appear "sane and in control?"

3. Then we need to develop our new gift of discernment.  This is called "Separation" in alchemy: Here we choose which emotions, people, places, things and situations need to be adjusted, clarified, or released from the bondage of faulty ego programming or explored more deeply.   At this level we discern whether or not we are truly ready, willing able and deserving  to separate ourselves from habitual patterns and  beliefs that limit us.
 
4. Next we need to develop co-operation and strength from our pairs of opposites or extremes within - masculine-feminine, right-wrong, good-bad, up-down, hot-cold, better-worse, etc.  This is called "Conjunctio" in alchemy: Here we discover a balance point between opposites, especially in regard to emotional highs and lows and wherever imbalances are perceived, we need to learn how to restore balance and find the middle path and unity consciousness.

5. At Alchemical Level 5 we need to go beyond understanding ego and dismantling the masks of persona.  Here we find the courage to face our shadow.   In alchemy this is called "Putrefaction-Fermentation":  This is about wholeness and authenticity, for while the unacceptable parts of us remain judged, suppressed and denied in the darkness of our unconscious mind, we remain victims to these unconscious forces and our true creative power is blocked.

The best exercise I have learned in order to do this is to imagine my depression as a black hole. I imagine myself meditating inside the black hole and merging with the blackness... the dark feelings of anger, sorrow, hatred, fear, pain etc… The task is to sit within the energy of depression for as long as it takes to learn what it has to teach us.  When we have learned how we created this darkness and take self-responsibility and ownership for it, we will be led from within to let it go.   This is basically hibernating within the cave of depression with the specific intentionality that by allowing what we are feeling, these feelings will awaken us at the right time in the right way so that we can shine.   We will probably need to practice this several times so that ego feels comfortable and allows us to sense true higher guidance from within.

6. Here we learn to surrender to and fully accept our best self and best destiny.  This is called  "Distillation" in alchemy:  Here we need to purify our essence so we know who we are at a best self level and what our higher purpose is. (This is greatly assisted by the exercise suggested in Alchemical Level 5.)

7. Finally we choose to be who we are – God = Man - Ego.  This is called "Coagulation" in alchemy: Here we live a constant celebration of our undeniable interrelatedness to all life and Great Mystery.

In summary, this book takes us through the alchemical journey of turning the lead of personality into spiritual gold.  This is achieved ultimately by changing our programmed beliefs about all kinds of negative states, including depression.  We can create a new personal definition of depression that this is something good.  Depression is a spiritual emergency and it’s a golden opportunity for personal growth disguised as loss – loss of joy.  This is how we overcome depression and the terrible effect it has on our lives. 

There is a simple yet powerful ancient wisdom, which guides us to learn how to embrace our enemy.   Depression is perceived as an enemy in the matrix.  If we can detach from this matrix belief and learn to welcome depression, this imbalanced state embraced becomes our teacher and ultimately our friend.  Ego battles against this special relationship because the purpose of ego is to protect us.   However, if we are prepared to look long and hard and deep enough, we will achieve a level in our evolution where we no longer need to hide, deny and suppress truth.   As we give ourselves permission to shine and reconnect to our best self, we can open our hearts and minds to whatever life gives us because our perceptions are different.   Life here on Earth is best perceived as "Earth School".  This is where we learn about being human, in all it’s aspects – the good-the bad-the ugly.  Eventually we will truly grasp the meaninglessness of the do/have/consume matrix type of consciousness and this ultimately leads us to search for higher meaning, reconnection to best self and best destiny. 

A vital aspect of learning to be human is having and expressing feelings – this means all kinds of feelings, including anger, hatred, envy, jealousy, fear, guilt, shame, pain  and sorrow.    When we suppress our feelings this causes depression.  Depression is ultimately understood to be an effective tool to alert us that we are resisting our feelings.  Depression occurs when we deny our feeling nature.  At Alchemical Level 1 depression may hold us in hibernation until we awaken to the fullness of our best self and best potential destiny.  What I have discovered is that the most profound richness within me was accessed from teachings learned from my darkest experiences.  Depression can take us to this darkness.  Welcome it and understand it. If we view depression as a gift and learn how to work through it’s lessons, we may experience true lasting joy and authentic spirituality, which includes dark and light. Finally we come to understand and know that it is this joy from wholeness that opens our hearts and reconnects us with our best selves.